Thursday, August 03, 2006

The Bitches Corner

Welcome to my Bitch Corner!

Do ya ever think about all the little things that really irritate you, adds up to be quite a list, huh? Well, here's mine! Please bookmark this page, as it is surely to be updated frequently.
Answering Machines
...."I'm not in right now, sorry I missed you, leave a message at the beep and I'll get back with you"....and you're thinking...I'll bet they are screening their you try again and you're already irritated, so you "LEAVE" a message and it never comes out as you intended. Suddenly, your phone rings and you hear a voice on the other end.."Hey, you called"? NO, not me,...must have been a malfunction on your machine...OF COURSE, I called...I left you a freaking message and that is why you are calling me back! Rage against the Machine.......!!!!!!!!!!!
Worse...the recorded messages that give you all of the numbered options. Somtimes, you can bypass all the crap by supressing "0" which will get you a "LIVE" person called the "Operator". On the other hand, after trying different combinations, then pressing "O", you may get, "I'm sorry that is not an option, please try your call again"...after you have waited patiently for what seems an eterinity for the "Next Available Representative"......Rage against the Machine.......!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MasterCard Mammaries!
Have you ever stopped to consider how much time, effort, and money has gone into the development of Cosmetic Surgical procedures for the enlargement of women's breasts? What is it about huge breasts that are drawing these women into Cosmetic Surgery Clinics at the Special rate of $5000.00? Cmon, girls..did it ever occur to you that your fellas know that's not really you? Don't you feel strange? Do you play tennis, golf? Can't imagine teeing off with 2lbs of silicone sitting on my chest. If it's to appeal to the male system, be that generally go after a woman with the giant mammaries..usually have a Mother fixation.
So...if you want to change diapers the rest of your life..get your butt tucked. If you need the self-esteem boost, buy a padded bra! In other words, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade..Accent the positive and de-emphasize the negative and above all...Steer Clear of nasty men that think oversized sweat glands are sexy....think about it!

Ten years ago I gave birth to my last child, by Caesarean birth. Unfortunately, there is a rule...designed by the Patriarchal society..if you have one Caesarean must have another.
For those of you with only one child, take heed..the first is a piece of cake. All consecutive births..worsen each time. The catch22 is called "Afterpains". They say that you do not remember the pain of Childbirth..Horse Feathers! Nobody can forget that pain. The first two births..nothing. The last birth..soon after the delivery, I was taken to recovery. Knowing from past experience that I needed to get up and walk, or have a slow recovery, I attempted to get out of the bed. Very difficult, for I was only 3 hours postpartum, but I knew that I must walk. A room was being readied for me and I was told it would be a couple of hours. Very slowly, I took about 4 baby steps... "ouch!!!!" Must get back into the bed, Now!
Later on, they moved me to my own little room, complete with TV, bath, and this strange looking robotic machine, that was for better words a Joy Box. Wonderful invention, this Joy Box. We would become very good friends in a very short time.
This nice, sweet nurse kindly helped me into the bed, and re-routed my IV to the Joy Box. She left the room and I soon dozed off briefly, and was awakened by this same kind, sweet nurse, telling me that she had to check my incision. She woke me up for that? She was very careful, methodical, professional and nice! In School, they teach us to INFORM the patient during treatment. This nice, sweet nurse suddenly took both of her hands and pressed my lower abdomen so hard that I know she felt my backbone. She did not INFORM me!
Don't think that I screamed..but tried, no sound came. She backed away, evidently seeing the terror in my face. My eyes were glued to her...she moved toward me again and started to place her hands on my tummy. Quickly I grabbed her by the wrists and said "Oh, no you don't! She replied This is very, very necessary if I dont do this, you could become very sick and it could be fatal!
My guard weakened and feeling hopelessly at her mercy, I submitted to the torture again. She continued coming into the room, for a couple of hours, doing the tummy press. Shortly after, she discontinued her visits, I began to have waves of pains, similar to labor contractions.
At first, they were barely cramps, progressing quickly into major pain. A shift change brought a new nurse to my rescue and she at once, noticed what was happening. I Explained to her that I had already had two children and had never gone through this type of pain. Subtly mentioning the "Nurse From Hell", I was very quick to remind the new nurse that I never wanted to see that person again, as I was convinced that she had caused my pain. threshold is super, but this wasn't tolerable for me. She smiled and said..yes, it seems to be worse for you three times Moms. Suddenly I became a stereotype, a statistic! Oh great! She then explained about the Joy Box, to which I quickly became very attached to. She told me to watch the monitor and observe the Wave!
Surfing? Yes, I can do that! She finally left me and I kept my attention to the Monitor graph, observing the building of the wave. Just like surfing, you lie there peacefully, relaxing, breathing..watching the wave build, thinking I am one with the wave..I am one with the wave as it approaches, you turn and begin paddling, picking up have Lift Off!
relax and breathe, observing the needle on the monitor screen. It was remarkable! I could see the contraction, before I felt the I was prepared. I imagined myself in the ocean..just as if I was surfing and when the graph topped of..I pushed the button! BonZai! Each time I observed the wave of hell approaching..I would become One with the wave with my finger on the button! Lala Land, here I come! So ladies, please be doesn't get easier! Learn to Surf, it helps!

Fast Food Drive-Thru's
Gone are the days of the pile the kids in the car and drive to the Burger Castle, with the curb hops, and silver trays on the side of the car and the music blasting out of outdoor speakers! They have been replaced with Drive-Thru's! Yep..every fast food chain has got them. At my house, piling teenagers in the car and going through the Drive-thru at Mickey D's or Hardees` can be a hellish experience. Its really neat, how the franchise' have attempted to simplify their menus by offering the Combo's! At first, they didn't have numbers. You may choose from the Cheeseburger Combo, Double-Cheeseburger Combo, or if you are not into Dead Cow, theres the Chicken Filet Combo! That was easy..but..dealing with New Age Children of this century, who only think in terms of Numbers,...(Mom, I need 5 make 10 bucks..will pay you back in 5 days!) they attached numbers to the combos for ease of ordering.
Still these New Age Children are perplexed....! Each and every one are individual little souls, with individual taste...some like lettuce, some like no lettuce, some like pickles, some say No pickles..on and on! To no avail, just when you think you have told the little talking box what you want, in the midst of 7 mouths going at the same time..the little talking box repeats to you what you have ordered and has it all messed up! You are not feeling are very the back seat..the kid with the perpetual wise remarks..Hey Mom, I wanted a frisco got me a bacon burger! And he doesn't let up. By the way, not my son..everyone calls me Mom! Cause I'm the only one that has the courage to take these brain-damaged, generation-X, creatures to these places! You turn around and at the top of your scream not very nice words at this brain damaged Rocky wannabe!
You have now informed the entire staff in McDonalds that you are a un-armed dangerous person..carrying a carload of brain-damaged misfits! You drive up to the pick-up window..and the attendant smiles and takes your money..while her eyes shift to the rear of the car, you notice that she gets a rather embarrased look on her face! What you don't see is the boys in the back giving her smooch faces..and you're thinking... What's her problem?!

Copyright © 1998 Deborah Nuckles
All rights reserved. Please do not copy or reprint without express

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