Profile Of Abuser -Domestic Violence
Look around you, maybe behind..in your past, your present..possibly your future. Somewhere, they appear. You read about them, Hollywood creates mega buck blockbusters depicting them. How sad...to profit by them. Yes, make them an icon..bring them to the publics eye..so they can leave the theatres saying..tis nothing but a movie! Stuff like that just doesn't happen.
A child is born into this world, in the purest sense..knowing neither good nor bad..knowing only love, divine love.. They sleep in a peaceful sleep most of the day, only requiring nourishment and maternal contact, and the sound of her voice upon awakening.. In remembrance of their prior home nestled in the womb. A safe place..drawing only nourishment and love. Listening to her sounds.... her voice, the music she plays during the day..Feeling her emotions..the ups and downs of her moods..they are at peace.
Children grow up so fast..and their little minds absorb so much of their environment. A Mother, in an abusive situation, becomes the elusive protectorate, always trying to redirect away from the children, standing in the line of fire. It seems to satisfy her need to protect, but thats all. She doesn't filter the pain, nor the inhuman hatred aimed at these babes, it only pierces her heart. It doesn't stop the attack on the psyche of the children.
All over the world, every minute some woman, child is being subjected to abuse. That is not to say that they are being beaten, physically abused. There are different types of abuse, but..abuse is abuse. A broken arm can be healed..a blackened bruised eye will fade..a lacerated lip..the same. Emotions, mental scars..can be permanently etched into ones psyche that can render the person an emotional cripple..a victim..a co-dependant. Constantly seeking out the same relationships..having become convinced that they are deserving of such treatment. This is not true.
No woman, nor child needs suffer at the hands of these creatures. They exist..in all walks of life. They are disguised as Engineers, Doctors, Lawyers, Deacons in Religious circles, Police Officers, Politicians, Teachers, laborers, Counselors..! Yes, they appear as normal citizens. They are ususally very tied to their work..which leaves them little time for their family. Their excuse is Universal..My job requires me to do this..If I dont do this someone will replace me that will..Can't attend the concert, have to work. Ahh yes..and they are usually substance abusers. Alcohol seems to be the predominant drug of choice for these mutants of society.
That is understandable to an extent..but it's not the quantitative factor that makes a difference concerning time with the family..In other words..a brief 15 minutes of letting someone know that you care for them, a hug, a few nice words..maybe a compliment even if undeserving, or about something that has been accomplished recently, a job well done..or just a smile..will work! That 15 minutes, is worth more than a whole day at some meaningless impersonal event..
These individuals have so little to say, and that which they do say is conducive to sarcasm and mindless verbal garbage. Their idea of conversation is argumentative in nature. An impersonal chat can suddenly turn into a quest for control. Their favorite verbal attack is usually to demean another person. Their ideas become the only ideas that are correct, and if you disagree, you may as well leave it alone. They will stand up and shake their finger at you..or fly into a rage to try and convince you. Blackouts, they come frequently...and are unforgettable, except by the abuser, especially after an alcohol binge.. You wake up with the memory of the events transpiring the night before...something they cannot remember nor relate to! Madness...sheer madness!
They have little time for their wives, except for their own self gratification. She is just a mindless object to them, placed here for their own satisfaction. She is not allowed to have a life other than what they deem is proper and fitting. The children become the monsters rival, for they need their Mother to help replace the love that he refuses to provide them with. They become a target, an obstacle to him, that he feels must be removed. They are attacked for their every word, thought and deed. Pay no attention to the hurt look, the head hung low. They are accused of hanging onto their Mother, she is all they have. She has to be strong, and able to give that love, for they are sustained through her. If you cannot add to a person, don't take away from them.
Friends have always played an integral part in her life. Friends and family seemed to always migrate to her. Her life radiated around friends, for she never meets a stranger. This is not a part of his life, for he has no friends, nor does he acknowledge family ties. He makes every attempt to create an environment that nobody wants to enter into. Through his own selfish, insulting, sarcastic mannerisms, he makes enemies out of her family and friends. He is vividly transparent and shys away from people for that reason.
Friends, family that were once an important part of the childrens life keep their distance to avoid him, and the babes suffer more. He creates an environment, where he is center icon, and everyone else revolves around him. He must be the center of their Universe..anything else will be crushed. Everyone gives him this power. All of his trials and misfortunes become theirs, and the blame is placed on them, never himself. The ultimate Loser, never accepting responsibility for his actions, striking out at those who care for him, until there is nothing left. Who does he blame when there is no one left to blame?
Her home becomes a prison, not unbearable, as she has learned to adapt. An awareness occurs within her and she refuses to be a part of his world. She finds a quiet place. A place that she can be herself without limitations, criticisms, restrictions. She writes, paints, reads, anything to escape awaiting that proverbial moment, that she focuses on in the near future.
She knows that her escape from the formidable creature is inevitable, and when the time is right, it will happen. Her withdrawal causes much conflict with the relationship for he is losing control and fights back. He attacks the children, desperately grasping for them, cluthing their little souls..to satisfy his need to be in control.
They break free and run for the shelter of their friends when he is around and return to their Mother when he is gone..Only one child remains..the child that has been scarred the deepest. He stands by his Mother, and is willing to face this demented souless creature.
He attacks the child, knowing that he will get the desired reponse from her. He battles with her for control, explosive, demeaning... violent..breaking irreplacable keepsakes from her Mother, destructive...verbally abusing the child that stayed to watch over her. Anything to hurt, inflict pain. Ah Sweet Mystery of Life...This is the cycle of death and rebirth. Death is destruction of the old..making way for the new!
Her friends, family see it differently and condemn her..they try to rush her, to get out, forsaking everything else..oblivious to all of the circumstances, causing confusion within. She hides the fact that she has friends, as he takes that as an infringment on his right to control... Her friends become her paramours... He never accepts blame...nor does he allow any reproach to his best friend, Booze! He nurtures and protects his friend with his soul...allowing nothing to cause separateness in the relationship...he consumes...it consumes....pitiful!
She wants to do as they say, but she also knows that she must listen to another voice. She knows that her life is at a critical place in time, and there is no room for error at this juncture. In frustration and bewilderment, she strikes out at them for not understanding.
She remembers the past, and is aware of the results of impulsive actions, for each day reminds her. If we don't learn from past mistakes, we are apt to repeat them.. Although she suffers the loss of those friends who have turned from her, she realizes that it is all a necessary part of the cycle. A true friend, will respect her decisions even if in conflict with their own.
People say..Get out! Why is she staying there? Fear becomes an essential part of her makeup. She knows what is outside these prison walls, because she has dealt indirectly with it..through the abuser. She knows that she must be prepared to break out. No prisoner is allowed to leave until he is able to face society.
She goes through all the motions of being the strong woman..so many years of being a Mother..dealing with trivialities such as school projects, PTA, keeping a house in order, taking care of the bills, the problems, budgeting, ahh...yes and taking care of the abuser. The Abuser..who creates problems and refuses to face them..once more..she finds herself in the direct line of fire, trying to repair what it is that has been broken, not out of love, but out of preservation, the need to survive. She is there always to fix, repair, solve, heal and mend.
She returns to her special place within her prison walls. The coolness of the walls, feels good to her. Yes, the demons are there but her soul is strong and can flick them away with one gesture.. It is there that she finds solace. She is with her soul, and they begin to create, learn, understand and experience joy. She is always seeking and learning. He would take away her hunger for knowledge and replace it with nothingness.
Is it an escape..or is she merely awaiting the proverbial moment? Is she learning what she needs to survive alone..with her babes? In the aloneness of her time, she listens for Gods whisper.
Awaiting the moment, when she as the phoenix once again emerges from the fiery depths...to take flight..and she knows that her waiting is drawing nigh to the end. For all good things come to those that wait!
© 1995 Deborah Nuckles
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